In a sense – I am just a few years old. With everyone I had enjoyed having left me – the person I had become – stopped being. Whoever I was back then, the person writing the songs and eager to get to the next rehearsal – could only exist with the people I was doing these things together with. Outside all of that – nothing else existed for me.
Those conditions for life to exist how it was – my oxygen, my earth, my north star – they vanished. I was afloat in space, not really hoping to get anywhere, not wishing it all would be as it was, not knowing it could be better or worse – I was just a thing, a state between the game and the work – of which both became more and more unbearable for me.
I wanted it all to end. And when I answered my doctor, the universe gave me a friendly poke into my ribs.
What followed was a short journey on struggling to get some help from mental health professionals. The general doc wrote a piece of paper for me and told me to go to the next building and see if I can get appointed to a psychologist there. Eventually, I did – and the girl who I went to talk with for the next six months, twice or once a week was alright – she didn’t impose any opinions on me, she didn’t make any suggestions – the only thing that did irritate me is her tendency to try to see a good reason for the boss of the company I was working at to behave in such dickish manners.
But that time, those very interactions and disagreements gave me a better experience of what the world, the people are like – we don’t see the same shit when we are looking at things. Their sense of right and wrong, how they understand things can be different to mine – and sometimes with ill intent, and sometimes innocently, so…
Of all the things I got interested in Buddhism for a while, and then somehow ended up in a forum-community for anti-natalists (their reasoning is super solid – if you don’t know any better… I am very happy to announce that I oppose anti-natalism 100% today).
So, there were a few strange phases I went through, while still working for the terrible boss, and still playing the game which was bringing me less and less enjoyment over time… I couldn’t figure out how to get started in real life – how to re-boot – how do I get to know people who are strangers? I considered going to some church – as it was the only that sort of thing I knew to exist (but I ended up not going).
The weirdest shit knocked me off that track… USA elections made such big waves that they even penetrated my pathetic bubble. Must have been that I saw somewhere on Reddit something clever said by Scott Adams, I started watching his periscopes – and that slowly replaced my interest for the gaming. He talked about persuasion and about some reading-list that he had, so I looked into that.
I started seeing leftist vitriol everywhere (even in local Buddhist church websites, all kinds of intelligentsia clubs – that I decided these will not be the places I go to – I do not want to become a part of such hateful movements…).
For some reason, I went out with a person I had known some time ago. We went to some concern, and I saw some old faces, we had short conversations, everyone of course asks if I still make music (but when I do upload something, they never listen :)).
We went around own and took photos of random shit. He talked about work and how chicks can earn even 3k euros in the developer world (but even that failed to get me deeply interested in programming for more than I already had dealt with – besides, I imagined it takes a lot more to be hired as a programmer than it really is);
So, while I was super interested in politics, the next president got elected, I was reading something about thinking fast and thinking slow, went on some dates, had a very horrible experience, and thought I might not really want to ever date again; then scrolled some 9-gag and saw some politically seductive jokes with Jordan Peterson (pointing out how hateful the leftists can get), watched some clips of his and then he said something I’d been itching to hear.
Someone had asked him what would females get from his book, and his answer was, paraphrasing, “well, what kind of a man do you want?”
I know JBP isn’t very popular in our circle, and he may as well done harm by coming around and advocating for some scientismic shit.
Maybe that’s true, but regardless of that – and maybe he didn’t come up with what he preached and simply copied sensational shit others like him had said before, or some older philosophers and smartasses have been saying all that way before him, maybe he’s just selling to the niche (hehe, get it?) – regardless of any of that – the message broke something shitty in my brain and erected something wholesome, instead of it.
This is a moment that I will remember.
And what was built back then still holds – I’m not attached to it – I’m not attached to much these days – I won’t be too proud to change my mind should something come along to explain what had happened to me – sure, I’ll change my mind.
Someone did once try to put me down, asking me, “why did you need to hear it from someone else?” Why did I need to hear it from someone else that yes, I do want to get married and I do want to get children – and I shouldn’t need to settle for anything less?
Well, life can get pretty fucked up. We hear all sorts of things. And we are very much capable of internalizing ideas that do no good for us. Coincidentally, the guy who challenged me on that seemed to be the kind of guy who likes to try on girls and never commit – the very same category of people who can make us think in that way in the firstplace. He may have disliked what Peterson was saying for other reasons.
Anyway… as soon as I had decided that yes, I do want kids, I do want to get married – my vision as if cleared up. There was no need to try to please or impress guys who are obviously just interested in the clothing booth. My whole attitude changed – I wasn’t worried about coming off as needy or naggy or annoying… For the first time, I would go out there and unapologetically be just the person that I am, I could tell how I feel about a situation, I could say I didn’t like something, I could say what I like… And for the first time – me meeting people had nothing to do with my creative pursuits.
I was using tinder to meet people, as I didn’t have any social circle around to get to places through that. And, suppose, because of JBP’s encouragement to have good relationships with your parents – I was also going over to home town to offer an olive branch to dad.
While I was over his place, I was checking on the app, someone had “superliked” me – and scrolling through a few profiles, I’d superlike him back…
A guy with heavily effect-tuned photos, staged, and selfies. A strong beard and a terrific nose.
The app would never have picked him up, as my range wasn’t set very wide – I didn’t think I’d bother meeting someone outside Tallinn. The day we did match – the day I had gone to hometown to meet my father – my now-husband had been driving out from Pärnu – so, the window for our match had actually been incredibly short, as we later mused.
Hey, I know it might as well be fooled-by-randomness – but because it ended up working out well, to me this all is magic.
As for the match, dates, and the 2 year journey leading up to our marriage (has been interesting, complicated, challenging) – I didn’t care to chat much via text, we set up a meeting, he drove over to Tallinn, we went to an Indian restaurant I had been before (with my TERA friends). I liked him, he liked me. I deleted the app, we met again, and again – and so it goes.
Just a couple of months after meeting him, I also applied for a job in a different company (whose job advertisements looked terribly corporate, but I didn’t mind, I just wanted to get out!). I got invited to interviews, I felt terribly nervous (and thought I’d defo be incompetent); they sent me a test-task – I had never ever used After-Effects before, but Silvi doesn’t care, Silvi learns quick – so, I learned the basics of AE in an hour and I made a short animated advertisement in After Effects; EZ PZ.
And I got in.
My health has been improving, I have been learning new things, I have met new people, I have met new friends. I started going to nature with these people – marshlands, seaside, forests – hikes!
I read more books, I write some music, I started writing again. I stop being that interested in politics (I found out it’s all kinda circular), I found other things referring to “Black Swan” and fail to understand what a ballet play has to do with whatever it was I was reading about…
Until I did.
Life has been very interesting. All these ups and downs are just a part of it. While I am convinced that I could never have “wisened up” to break out of my bad-job and gaming-rut – that maybe this all was necessary for me to grow up – stoop being just the music-person and have an actual human-side, too.
I believe no one can be (or maybe even should be) encouraged get out of the rut with any combination of words. The reason some of us fall into it are because we need to learn some lessons. For me it was a clean in and clean out – I had no “well-intended” people around me who were trying to take advantage of my helpless way of being, who’d, unbeknownst to their own efforts sabotage my life – like the companions of alcoholics often do.
Having to go through these kinds of harsh lessons can be a pain BECAUSE I had to go through it alone – but with a too-helpful person around it might have been impossible.
So, what makes someone stay stuck in their addictions or eventually pull the trigger – it is unclear. I’m pretty sure that most people who think they need to help someone can often cause more trouble.
Had someone forced me to change jobs halfway through my hell – had someone unfaithfully, out of pity taken me to lunch to keep me company – who knows, I might have never made it out. All that help might have had the opposite effect – it could have made it more cosy in hell.
Enablers can make your life cosy in hell! And I am thankful for the Universe for not sending any my way when I was at my weakest.
I did wonder a few days ago how come my attitude to life, the way I talk, the things I talk about or not – how nothing of what I do now was in any way a part of my life all these years ago. I didn’t exist.
And I have arrived to who I am – partly, of course thanks to the people I am surrounded by these days – but also, partly, because I went and took on some shit entirely on my own.
Should for some reason all my current ships sink as they did before – I’ll not lose my footing to that extent again. But unlike before, I feel I have connected to people now in ways that I could never do so, before – as a person, as a human, with feelings, with fun, outlooks to life – my eggs are now in many baskets, not just in the music one 🙂