I was commenting something on twitter today, arguing something against feminists having lost their humanity on choice, as nowadays it is popular to think we have free will and endless, equal options for everybody.
Lately, this same problem has represented itself to me across different domains: jobs, relationships, overall quality of life.
And now I took a shower and this word popped up: Access.
We might easily think that all these 7.53 billion people have free will and all these options around them, but how much do with think about their access to all these options?
In the comments today I said something in the lines of, “The degree of femininity isn’t a choice as long as you are too desperate grasping at straws, exposed to all sorts of horrible abuse as well as luck, at the whims of random chance. Not an excuse, but an explanation…”
Option of femininity.
Sure, in theory – all women have the option of taking care of their looks and act with grace – and all that is good. Ideally we learn it from our mothers or big sisters or girl-friends. In practice, how it plays out in the real world – not all women have ACCESS to that option. We don’t have such mothers, sisters or friends.
I am sure you realize that people come from different backgrounds, different homes and neighbourhoods – from where they learn to cope in their weird ways sometimes. I too, grew up with boys, playing their games or bossing them around until I wasn’t one of them anymore – hello, puberty kicked in.
At that point I didn’t know really how to relate to that situation – the guys started treating me very differently and I wasn’t welcome to compete with them. Neither did I understand how to socialize with girls – they had their cliques which I did not understand and there was a lot of vindictive bullying involved – I had no idea what to do about that (neither had my mother or father).
Hence, it took another 10 years for me to realize what’s what and h2 female human. I bet the situation is somewhat similar for countless of confused women out there today. I believe, like I did, they just need time and, uh, gradual access to better options to get there, okay?
Pretty Crystalline Theory.
Now, free will and options – maybe they exist in equilibrium somewhere up in the air, or within God, or within the whole, collective brain of humanity, who knows.
But inside the brain of an individual – not so much. I can’t invest 50k in an angel fund – sure, theoretically I have the option, but in practice – I do not have such money on my hands.
The same thing happens, say, when someone has become single and whines that they will never be able to find a good partner (hello everyone from MGTOW), a well-meaning lam comforts them by saying that hey, there are 7.53 billion people on earth – that is a lot of people, surely you’ll find someone.
Here is the problem – we NEVER have access to all those people. Historically, sure, we have access to more people than ever before – but there are limitations, still (which is not a bad thing, by the way – we’re not supposed to have so much access anyway).
The mistake we do when assessing our options.
Here is the idiotic mistake we seem to be doing – especially when discussing politics or how someone ought to live their lives – we overestimate their access. Access to women or men, to good customs, to great jobs, to business ideas, to friends, to investing and so on.
Yes, in theory – we have nearly endless options, yet these options are narrowed down by our access to them. Being unaware of such options is one block. Not having enough capital could be one block.
Not having enough self-respect could be one. Living in a certain part of the world is one block. Having been born to an unfortunate family situation could be one block. Having a physical disability could be one block.
Let’s go dating.
Say, you’re the guy who was told that there are some 7 billion people out there, now you install a dating app and you pick it based on its’ advertising – that we have a million people using, it, let’s say.
Does that mean you will have access to a million potential partners?
Hell no. Half of them would be of the opposite gender (and well, we know that sort of thing isn’t for everybody), and most of them would live so far away from you, you can’t ever get near them.
Then most of them left in your pool, let’s assume the bigger half from Pareto distribution, won’t even like your profile. Of those who do, they will only give you radio silence (for endless reasons), and then let’s say, you can start a successful seeming chat with 3 girls.
Even having gotten this far – this doesn’t really mean that you have actual access to these girls. Maybe they are mentally fucked – you bang them once and then leave – that’s not real access. That was all just pretend. Idiot.
Maybe they don’t really like you after the first date. Or maybe you won’t like them. Or maybe the are perfect, and so are you in their eyes; and they die in a car crash the day after. Very tragic, but regardless. Access denied.
Suppose this is what people mean, without really thinking about it, by saying he or she or this or that is out of your league. It means – the option is there, you can see it, smell it, touch it, dream of it – but you have no real access to it.
So how do we gain access?
Today I think we can build access, like civilizations build roads. Gradually. From the bottom up. It takes time and effort. Years of hard work and tinkering.
Could this be how I understand why people make desperate choices? Hell, most of my choices have been from the bottom and extremely desperate. So I say I know fairly well why they pick unsuitable partners or jobs that they hate.
For desperate people shortcuts taste very sweet. And back then, making all these choices I had not the faintest clue about how to get me some better options. I believe that to be the case for most people.
Yeah right all these people know what they are doing when agreeing to go on a second date with some douche or sit in a car with them; yeah right they know what they are doing when accepting a sketchy job offer.
What the bottom looks like.
Desperate people are at the bottom, whether they realize it or not – and from that position ANYTHING seems better to them than they have right now – and they, or we, simply, at that moment, might not even have access to better options – just the ones hovering above our heads.
When an individual feels they are in a hurry, they will not feel like they have any time to “build access” – they just grasp at the straws and take whatever they get.
This way you might get lucky and end up somewhere pretty good (as I did with my current job, or guy – finally (I screwed up many times)), but you are also exposed to the threat of extreme unluck – you might end up stuck in a sick job and stuck with a sick fuck for partner for ages.
You’ll be depressed or traumatized or stressed, just hovering above the bottom, with the rest of the garbage, never seemingly having any access to better options. There are really scary traps in the city of Rock Bottom, really.
It’s a prison.
And I’d say all stupid ideologies and sick people are there – coincidentally, they are the easiest people or movements to access in the world.
They don’t demand much from you. Or so it seems at first – I say they demand something very costly from you – they need you to give up the desire to have access to other or better options. Narcissistic partners or cult leaders – all follow the same trick.
That is a mental prison. And you wouldn’t want to break out from it if you didn’t know you were in it. It’s a loop that can hurt my brain when I think about it too much. You think you have your best options in play, you are fooled, you never even ponder if things could be better for you. Ugh, sick!
And I can’t blame people for making such choices. I think, in their situation, with their access to options and their odds I would end up just the same. And I truly believe you would too.
Do you have the best deal?
I’ve been thinking and telling on quora to people that it is important to have options, but so far didn’t really think much how do we get options anyway.
But well, it might just be a part of a healthy mindset – the need to have other options. You open your brain and look around to make sure you have a fair deal for yourself – because other people can’t do that for you.
I also think that simple things like taking care of your health, looks, knowledge – gradually gives you access to better options. And well, once you’re busy with one or two good options, more options open up, gradually.
Take care of yourself