“It’s absolutely devastating how many men reach out to me expressing they’ve given up on finding someone to spend their life with because the risks aren’t worth it. To be completely honest, I can’t blame them.”
— Mack (@_Kenziepuff) March 12, 2019
Came across this tweet today and went into the comments section to see what the fuss is about. And turns out there’s a bunch of people all over the world who have completely given up on dating or finding a partner because it is too risky – and their main concern is divorce – and everything you lose trough it.
On one hand I’m thinking: What a bullshit excuse.
On the other hand – taking a guess that the average person imagines coupling happens organically, spontaneously and it is completely normal to skip dating in public space – of course they are getting in way over their heads, and most likely end with devastating results.
Similar theme hops in over quora every now and then. “How do I confess to XYZ that I love him/her” – are you serious?
I guess they are.
Anyway, today I share some practical ideas about dating – these apply both in the case when you find a stranger over dating apps, or if you mustered the courage to ask out a friend or someone else you might have known for a while already.
Dating exists for a very useful reason. Budget-up.
Make up a low budget so you can afford to ask a girl or a guy over a cup of tea in a random café.
You go on a date not with the intent to impress this person, neither with the intent to end up in their bed (or they in yours) – but you go on a date to see if you actually can like that person.
And if no alarming flags popped up on the first date, you invite them on another – maybe one with a slightly higher budget, maybe a lunch, maybe cinema – and still attach no strings to this relation at all – your intention should still be to figure out if this person is any good for you, is he or she likable, if you are compatible.
And if no red flags popped up on the second date, you invite them on another. Maybe at some point you can propose some regular activities to take on together. Maybe you can start meeting over the weekends.
Spending 2 – 10 € or $ to find out whether you like a person or not is a way better deal than losing half your fortune trough divorce many years later.
Avoid private spaces for your own good.
As soon as you jump into bed with a stranger – you become exposed to a whole plethora of risks you can’t even imagine of being risks.
I’m not gonna talk about diseases or unexpected babies. I’m talking about how your emotional investment, after having gone trough a ceremony of celebration of (probably fake) pride and admiration (sex) will make you blind and biased to anything that would otherwise be a red flag to you.
You’ll make up SO many excuses for a man or a woman that you do not like, after you have slept with them – and that will make it nearly impossible to exit that unsatisfactory deal.
You know – you MIGHT get lucky and actually end up with a decent person – many people do it this way. But it is risky – and it is stupid, since there exists a way of going about it safely.
It’s easy to think causal sex is potentially traumatizing and dangerous only for women – but it is traumatizing and dangerous for men too – just that their outcomes do not often show until the divorce-and-alimony song starts.
In this light – men have a VERY strong incentive to avoid casual-sex or avoid skipping the casual dating – it is very easy to get drawn into a strange vortex of doom when you want to do the casual stuff or just get the girl in your bed as quickly as possible (to confirm what, what an attractive man you are?).
Have a personal list of Red Flags. And put it to use ever since date #1
It is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that you make a list for yourself about the things that you will consider a red flag in a person. You may also make a list of positive qualities – but even better, make a list of positive qualities of which, in case any of them is missing – you consider a red flag.
E.g. I had in my list requirements things like: owning a car and being a good driver, having served, smart sense of humor etc. Even the pettiest seeming things are fine – it’s going to be YOUR partner, after all.
So, if she says she doesn’t want kids and you do – you know you won’t ask her on a second date, and try your luck with the next one.
If he says driving is violence against nature, but you like a guy who has a car and can drive – you stop going on dates with him and find another one to go with.
ANYTHING like that – doesn’t matter if it might seem shallow in someone else’s eyes – is fine to cross this person out. You are not doing charity, it is not your place to give a chance to somebody that is so desperate and starts begging for it. You are looking for a partner that you can spend the rest of your life with – it’s serious stuff – you HAVE TO HAVE STANDARDS for something important as that.
Delusions of Romance and Spontaneity.
However romantic it feels trough movies and books – you DO NOT ask someone on a date because you are in love with them and hope to make them feel the same way.
You cannot go to a date thinking, “I hope s/he likes me”. Because if you do, you expose yourself to the greatest risk of them all – you might accidentally agree to partner up and even get married with a person who is incompetent, narcissistic, irresponsible or pathological in whatever other way you can imagine – you go for a person that you do not even like, because your only condition was that he or she likes you :). STUPIT.
You have to go on the date thinking, “I hope I like him/her” – as soon as you feel like you do not like this person – trust me – you have NO OBLIGATION to keep dating this person. You do not owe that person anything. Just stop asking them out, or decline if they ask you.
You ask someone on a date to find out what that person really is like – especially because when you are in love – you most likely are imagining all sorts of fancy shit about the person and are completely blind towards who they really are.
You’ll let them do anything to you, you will let them walk over you – and you will allow yourself to lose all dignity only to win their heart. That is stupid! That is what gets you into bankrupting divorces. BE SMART. Look out for yourself.
Dating doesn’t have to be expensive –
even if you pay for it all.
How much does a cup of tea cost? Do you have enough cash on you so you could buy two? Why not go for it even when you expect the woman is a “stronk indepentant wahmen” – even if you end up not liking your date – no need to make a fuss over a few dollars or euros? Doesn’t matter if the date sucks – I say, under no circumstance can you allow yourself to lose your dignity.
Same for women – if you ask the guy out, be modest – start with a cup of tea. Have enough cash with you so you can pay for the cheap damn date.
This way you also can make sure that the other person doesn’t owe you sex or attention now. It can tilt the scale very easily if you go for a 4-course supper instead. Other weird biases come into play and you will be sealing a deal of work in hell if you do.
Leave the expensive suppers for business deals or when you’ve found the one you’re willing to marry.
Keep it simple, keep yourself sane – ask the person on a date, and it won’t be a big deal if you have to cut it off right after that. But if you spend hours and hours doing all this platonic-love-talk over messenger, invite that person to your bed – you are digging a really yuge hole for yourself (and for that other person, too).
But if you keep your communication on the date, you do not force a debt on the other person (with expensive meals or sex) – you will also have a way easier time to part ways with this person in case they turn out to have very differing goals to yours.
If you think you like someone – the next step is to get a budget of 2 teas or coffees – and ask this person on a date.
Maybe they agree to come, maybe they won’t – but doing this whole love-story thing THIS WAY is logical, practical, healthy and sane. And it can be so damn beautiful.
Skipping this simple-dating part in your personal love story will only possibly result in a huge catastrophe – almost never as something wonderful (although there are exceptions, of course).