I’ve noticed a lot of people mistake sucking up to someone for respecting them. No, that is not respect. That is sucking up, that is an attempt of manipulation, trying to force the other person sucking up to you in turn.
I like it when people start talking about the respect a woman should have towards a man and man towards woman. It gets so spicy! Precisely because many of such people aren’t talking about respect, but about sucking up, sacrificing and compromising.
Having any of that in any relation (family, professional, friendship, romantic) really might just mean you are in an unbalanced dynamic. One of the two, at least, has no idea what respect is and where you can buy it from. I am open to changing my mind about it, of course – comment section is open.
Anyway. It is very simple.
People who demand your respect do so because they do not know what it is and how to show it towards themselves.
These people lack self-respect. I like to call these people “black holes” – they can easily suck other people into their stupid vortex. Also – no matter how much respect you shoot at them, they will never feel that it is enough – you shoot all of your godly respect straight into an un-fillable hole.
The problem is, really – these people want you to suck up to them, not respect them. And as a self-respecting person you refuse to suck up to someone, right?
They do this precisely because they lack any notion of what respect is.
As a young sucker – I also used to not know any of it. I used to believe I didn’t deserve any either. I thought I was a disposable meatbag for the sake of society (and everyone else, too). And having such beliefs is also one of the main things that might invite other people to be disrespectful towards you – I mean, why you allow other people remain disrespectful towards you (I don’t believe anyone really invites or attracts disrespect or abuse, okay?).
If you have no self-respect, nobody else has to have it for you either, really.
And in such a case when you have none: even if others have some/any/much-many respect for you – you will never understand that they do. Because you are blind to respect. Very blind. Respectblindness.
So, if you’re one of the many people who wonders how can I get X Y Z to respect me? You’re in for a treat. Ask yourself – are you PROUD of what you do? Do YOU respect yourself? Do YOU respect X and Y and Z?
Because ALL the respect in the world only becomes available to you if you unlock it within yourself first.
And how do we go about unlocking self respect?
Well, some practical things you can do:
• You write up some standards for yourself.
• You refuse to deal with people who behave in unacceptable ways.
• You refuse to associate with people who bore you to death.
• You refuse to take deals that you lose on and the other side wins.
• You refuse to go on a second date with a person who already raised some bad flags.
• You refuse to work for a boss that rides all over you and your coworkers.
Sometimes we might feel like we can’t refuse – because we do not have any other options, right? And this is exactly why these people disrespect you like that – because they also sense that you do not have any other options anyway.
I consider this condition to be one of the most cruel conditions in the world – where the other person knows your are lieing down and dieing, and they just keep kicking you. But they will keep kicking you, because for some goddamn reason you do not leave. They keep kicking and golden coins keep falling out. Like a fucking game.
And the weirdest part – the people who do this to you (when you have no self-respect) are NOT psychopaths or narcissists or whatever. They are not sick in the head – not all of them, at least. They do it because they benefit from it and YOU DON’T SEEM TO MIND. Of course they will take the free coins.
So, how come we do not have any better options while other people do?
I think it mostly is because we BELIEVE we don’t – as we’re thinking we’re disposable garbage anyway and can’t do any better. And we’re probably too comfortable in our familiar hell to open our eyes and look for better options.
Here it comes, the weirdest human perk: we get used to chronic stress, we get used to abuse, we get used to unbelievable living conditions etc. Not only used to – we get so familiar with it, it gets nearly impossible to change our conditions for ourselves.
But only in fairy tales princes on bright blue horses come saving to change the conditions for you (and sometimes it can happen in real life also – but I know from my own experience – you do not have to wait until it happens, you can very much organise it yourself as well).
When it is a job or a boss that pushes you around – you start looking for a new job. That is showing respect towards yourself.
You then have leverage.
And when the disrespectful sucker sees it too, he might actually change his mind about you as well… If you still deem him to be worthy of your services.
Make sure you have other options, make a back up plan.
When it is some sort of a friends’s circle where you get pushed around – it might seem even more difficult, I know. It is really difficult to make new friends. There is a lot of work to be done to find new friends organically – you gotta expand your hobbies or change where you live or work – all that lot. But when you do such things – you are showing respect towards yourself.
Friends start pushing you around when they feel you depend on them too much and have nothing else to do, nowhere else to go. When you suck up to them a lot and they keep letting you do it.
Or maybe they are sometimes just teasing and you take offense in it, and think it is disrespectful (for your feelings?) – and that also happens because you believe non-insults more than you would your own positive self-image.
Maybe you’re hoping that these people tell you how to be respectful and respect-worthy, or that they respect you no matter what. But that’s not gonna happen.
Any teasing turns into an insult when you have no self-respect.
Teasing and insults or even serious arguments won’t get you slighted when you know yourself better and respect yourself, by the way. In any context.
Figure yourself out and you won’t have to change your friends or whoever.
Self-care is the key.
When you take care of yourself – your knowledge, your body, your well-being: you are showing respect towards yourself. Serve yourself first. Then see if you can serve others, starting from those who are most important TO YOU.
If you feel your man or woman isn’t respecting you enough – look in the mirror. Can YOU respect yourself? Fix yourself up, hold yourself up, take care of yourself so that you could possibly have other options – not for the sake of leaving this person – but because you respect yourself, you respect your partner – and when you really respect your partner you want to offer to him or her the best quality of you there is.
And that WILL probably gain you your partner’s respect – as he or she will return the favour, at some point, by being as sharp and mindful of self as you are. Mutual effort = potentially terrific relationships.
And in the cases where you have all the respect for yourself you can have, and sense when other people are being respectful towards themselves too – you can also sense they have very much respect for you.
And sometimes you will then come across people who do not have any respect, and then you are free to assume they have no self-respect and that’s why they behave this way.
We are either respectful towards ourselves and everyone or disrespectful towards ourselves and everyone. Can’t be respectful towards one person and disrespectful towards other – when you feel you can (or that someone else is doing it) – you’re probably in the sucking up area, not respect area.
And well, in case you have self-respect – it won’t bother you that someone else lacks respect – because you won’t NEED other people to have respect – as you know well enough what you’ve done and what you’re capable of – and nobody else needs to know.
Or well, if you do need someone to know, maybe try looking into WHY it is so important to you anyway (hint: a sort of an inferiority complex might be kicking in).