“In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is,” a decent yogiberrism for tonight.
I was goofing around in quora, twitter, because it is that time of clock, and ended up with a realization that might hold true and useful. Well, it IS discussed in the Incerto, too – that we all have theoretical preferences, and in practice we choose something else, anyway. But instead of exploring how these theoretical preferences, likes, things apply to science, academe, choice of restaurant or other favorites (which you can get a hold of in the Incerto) – they appear apparent in interpersonal relationships and choice of hobbies, as well.
The problem posed in quora was a boyfriend who keeps talking good stuff, makes plenty of plans, but ends up cancelling them all the time, saying oh how sorry he is, only to repeat the cycle. These two have probably not gone on a date til this day.
The way I recall from my life, the way I handled things – if I was interested in someone or something enough – I sacrificed other things for it to get to it. No questions asked. And there have been people who have done this to me, and there have been people who have not done anything; and there have been people whom I have said yes, okay, let’s do it – only to figure out a sneaky way how to get lost later. Now, that don’t make me look like a person with integrity, does it!
There’s a certain pain that I experience when someone has made a promise about something, only to cancel it at the last moment. Or even when someone is incredibly late. The barrage of sorries, at this point, only irritates even more. Because the barrage of sorries almost looks like it is meant to cover up the clear and loud signal this situation carried with itself. People cancelling plans or getting incredibly late stings because the signal is the kind that none of likes to experience – that we’re not important enough – something or someone else is more important than this.
Now, this is not to say that I expect to be considered the most important person in every interaction, and it doesn’t sting in every interaction – just the ones where importance was confessed with words. Here this bit of realization helps see which friendships, partnerships, businessships, cruises and cargo ships are merely theoretical, nice-to-haves if you will; and which are the real thing.
Were you lying about your feelings?
People get very creative with excuses, explanations; all sorts of bad and challenging things happen to them and hold them back, but oh no, really, you ARE important to me please forgive me bla bla until next time.
It almost looks like they are LYING about their feelings, intentions, friendship – but here’s the thing that got me thinking today – maybe that’s one fkn obvious way we even deceive ourselves – we mistake our theoretical priorities, preferences, values for the ones we have in practice. In our heads, unless we really think about it, it’s all true, no lies there.
It can be very confusing, though – for all parties involved. And it starts creating all sorts of problems and drama. Not because the people are toxic, liars, stupid, clingy – but because those confessing their priorities do not know what the eff they are talking about – they do not realize they are talking about theoretical nice-to-haves, not something that takes actual priority in the real world. Before this I would have thought people do this because they want to leave you the impression that they are nice and polite, and they willfully lie – but no – what if – their theoretical self really is the nice one and they are talking about that.
Theoretical Interests and Hobbies
Time to do some accounting on recent hobby projects of my own;
– I’ve been collecting digital painting gadgets, but I haven’t really done any painting apart for some tutorials at work. I imagined I might get into it for work, also maybe do some concept art for the story I’m writing – but damned I be if that all ain’t theoretical 🙂
– Reading is alright, had a break for a month or so, but about done with Philosophy of Deception and Dalio’s Principles (also taking up some weird complexity stuff, oh goodie, very excited!).
– Drafting the sci-fi epic thing, although intermittently, I do that most of all.
Of all these, I only dealt with drawing largely on theory; might be I just need to ditch it, get it off my back – at least for now, to focus on things that in practice take priority anyway. Throw it on the back burner, right alongside with music.
Anyway, telling the difference between our theoretical and practical preferences seems like a pretty useful trick. A superpower, even. Instead of confusing myself on why am I not doing all these things I am interested in doing, why am I not going out of my way to meet new or certain people – I have clarity – I don’t measure just what is happening up in my head, but also keeping count on what I am actually doing with my hands.
Take care o/